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PERFECT CHAOS: A Mother’s Journey to Find Her Voice

By: Madeleine”Maddie” Jomolca

Does anybody hear her

 

Some say control is an illusion and “if you want to make God laugh, tell Him your plan”…

It must have been fifty-degrees, (below zero!), and I in my med-gown, cropped upright on the examination table, hands folded before as I manage to hold an extended paper blanket draped over my thighs to prevent from exposing my lower body … as if! I began to look around the room, as I’ve done several times before, now punch-drunk from having skipped breakfast (no java-fix!) as instructed, when suddenly daunted by the “what ifs” of my circumstances. What if it’s serious?… What if I need to begin arrangements for my youngest daughter, and who do I trust would be the best, positive influence over her life?…

You see, what began as my typical annual, routine check-ups, had suddenly turned into a whirlwind of tests, lab work, and more tests, over the course of four short weeks. There were terms like “abnormal”, “tumors”, “cysts”, “dysplasia” and even the big “C” being tossed around as fluidly as a running stream. This was and continues to be surreal for an otherwise perfectly healthy woman (me!) who spends 5 days out of the week exercising at a gym and running, eats healthy… and otherwise feels great; and I anticipate that at some point God will bust out with a “just kidding”! As I began to clench my hands before me, and was quickly awashed by the overflowing sense of peace and calmness, followed by a still voice that whispered, “I have scooped you out of the pits of hell, and carried you to the here and now. Through me, you have already escaped death… Do you think that I would simply drop you now?” … and there it was. There was a quick realization that my faith paled in comparison to that of my Saviors promise. Once again, Christ had carried me out of my darkness, and in my shame, I bowed my head and began to pray.

Followed by a brief knock, the nurse poked her head in the door, held out some paperwork and a cup and said; “We’ll need another sample, Maddie”.  “Will that be blood or urine, this time”, I asked. “Both, I’m afraid”, she uttered. Albeit the fact that I had already dropped more fluid into cups and vials, than some people do in a lifetime, my newly returned sense of purpose far outweighed any temporary and minor discomfort. I knew then, as I know now, that just as life is full of challenges, and that these challenges are in fact the integral part of life that define us and build us into the people that we were created to be, God was going to, again, use my circumstances, whatever they may be, to His glory, and while a non-believer would typically shake their head at the thought, for a Christ-follower this is possibly the, if not one of the, highest honor as as a servant we can experience.

It’s all so very simple, really, for just as we were created with a ‘free will”, and the ability to choose to, or not to, follow Christ, because God so loves the world (you and me) he will continue to tug on our hearts so that we might all experience heaven someday. While He has the power and authority to simply “clean house”, and remove us all from the face of the earth, “He is instead patient with us, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance”, (2 peter 3:9), and as such will use our lives and circumstances of as true testimonies of this all-consuming love, to further reveal that He is very real.

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Opposition is an all-too familiar face for many Christians, (John 16:33) and it has persistently reared its ugly head in my life for as far back as I could remember, and as certain as “the devil is in the details”, for many of us single mothers who have endured and survived the hardships… the aftermath of brutal divorce(s), our own children can and will at times prove to be our greatest opponents. Hardened, unforgiving hearts, poised to make us feel defeated. Hearts that have, for all defense and purposes, turned so far from reality, that they’ve become wedged somewhere between acrimony, and Gods saving grace.  While it is every mothers desire to find her voice in the lives of her children, to leave a legacy of goodness, and positivity; and to ultimately see them bask in the glow of our Savior, the reality for many of us is that this blessing may not take root until long after the embers of our lives have been extinguished… if at all. What’s more, while it is our duty to lift them in prayer, and, but walk in the light, it is not our responsibility nor do we have the power to fully turn their hearts in conviction… and I speak  this straight into the hearts of the many mothers I know who are beating themselves up over their unsaved children…

… and over the course of the years that befall upon us, in time, we come to realize that it is not our voice(s) that needs to carry into the lives of our children, but that of the Almighty Himself. What a humbling reality and virtual reminder that we are to trust God in exactly the same way; unflappable confidence in knowing that God carries us, and we can fully trust His ability to navigate because His proficiencies are far superior to ours. How freeing it is to be able to enjoy the ride and know we are greatly loved and expertly cared for by the master, and know that that He is working not only with us, but through so that others might, too, live eternally.

2 insert Does anybody hear her

Another short, soft knock, and in entered “Dr. Wonderful” , as I now refer to him, a mid-life intellect with a somewhat warped sense of humor and a knack for talking the uneasiness out of me (about any given topic), who turns to the assisting nurse and says, “a weighted spec, and titanium punch, please”, then turned to greet me. “Good morning, doctor. We have to stop meeting like this” I joke. Both he and his nurse snigger, and I ask him, “so what are talking about today?” “KPC”, he responds as he signals me to “assume my position”. I slowly scoot down, and after a poke here, and a “tell me if you feel this” pinch (ouch!) there, I reply “party over—everybody out!” They again giggled, as he made his way up from behind the blanket. “You know, Maddie, at some point we will run out of tests for you!”  to which I respond… “I’ll live”.

I’m uncertain as to what the coming days or weeks and test results will reveal, and can but ask that my readers say a small prayer on my behalf. Come what may, I’m not afraid, for in the storms, hardships, and opposition, and even in the lab tests, and in that exam room… in the Perfect Chaos, I am made whole, in Christ.

last Does anybody hear her

 

Wishing ALL mothers, near and far a blessed day. May you, too, come to find Gods peace within your own perfect chaos.

Until the whole world hears...

ignite.incite.INSPIRE.

Picture 448

 

 

 

 

Madeleine “Maddie” Jomolca Editor-in-Chief – Inspired

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3 Comments on PERFECT CHAOS: A Mother’s Journey to Find Her Voice

  1. Marilyn Orton // May 10, 2014 at 6:42 pm // Reply

    I am so sorry to hear of this, Madeleine. Bob and I are praying for your complete healing.

    Much love,
    Marilyn

  2. “I have scooped you out of the pits of hell, and carried you to the here and now. Through me, you have already escaped death… Do you think that I would simply drop you now?”

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